Sally’s Friend
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for Baby
a note for my son
Dear Son,
I have stepped away from you and your sister for a minute to tell you something that I hope someday you will read. Today you are not yet two and your blond hair is long and fine falling over your neck and brow. I love that hair on you and if someday the pictures bring the question you can answer that it was I who kept it that length against much protest from your Da and so many others. I am compelled now to tell you that I love you dearly. I have been lately enjoying your toddler babble and the three questions you ask me all day; what is it? Where is it? Who is it? You laugh with abandon and I hope that this is something you will not loose. I have loved and been terrified of the way you copy everything you see and just this morning have cherished the little time we spent after breakfast sitting on the bed with sister when upon your insistence I wrapped you in the old sweater that your Dadda gave me when he and I were just friends living in different countries. This very moment you are twisting the nob on your sisters mobile and the music has begun again. Thank you son, you are loved everyday, all day.
Your Mom.
PS
I just remembered, lately you have been on all fours barking and trying to eat off the floor like aunt Ruby’s little dog Chico. Yesterday I was in the bedroom feeding sister and I could hear your dad scolding you because you were trying to eat chips off the floor but I could not help but smile and be a little excited that you were pretending…you are a very clever boy son.
i plan
i plan
i plan for sand between toes and fingers
i plan for tiny bits of earth between the foot and rubber sole
i plan for squinted eyes and reddened skin
for wind blown hair
for dry skin on the cheeks
for smiles and water and laughs for weeks
for tears and weight and wrinkled skin
i plan for a desert garden
for wild grass and flowers and trees
i plan for the umbrella beneath sun and rain
for sun baked tea and mint leaves
i plan for tiny feet bare and running
for fruit and nuts and happy times
i plan for tiny smiles
for lots of fun
a moment
there are moments
long moments when i am overwhelmed
tired and lost
the babies are screaming and i am lost and alone suddenly in a storm of wails and tears
take a deep breath
walk away for a moment
count to ten if you must
this is what i tell myself
calm down
and deal
this is harder than i thought it could be
maybe a shower will help
peace out
a thought or two or…
I have taken to adding sugar to my coffee when the flavored creamer is unavailable. Hm. Things that I picked up here with family; a love for the PS3 (you can do so much with them!), A desire for sweet coffee, the once lost desire for a pet and the thought and possibility of buying our own house, these to name just a few.
I wanted to say somethings about the baby girl. I am loving the changes in her lately…she is bigger and aware now of our faces and voices. She smiles and makes these pretty baby noises. I love that she makes eye contact and grasps at my shirt as she nurses at least until she falls asleep…she falls asleep while she nurses often…
I love that she takes big gulps of milk and is happy at the end of, not all, but many nursing times… I feel as though this is working finally although it is still so hard and sleep is less than it should be…
Someone said recently that I looked happy in a picture that they saw somewhere else, this made me ask myself and hubby some questions about happiness. I do not often feel cheerful. I most often feel stressed out and tired and guilty (mom guilt). Hubby and me fight because of all the stresses of life, money and health issues and starting life in a new and yet old place. Am i happy? Am i happy?
We, hubby and me decided that it was, happiness, about being content. So we decided that even though things are so rough now, we are happy…we are content that this is life and we will make it together through the hard stuff and along the way enjoy the small beautiful wonders that come with each other and our children and the relationships we enjoy…
I am remebering God these days. Hoping to find a church here soon. Thinking about prayer and faith and fellowship again. I am reaqainted with a few old friends as of late and have found love instead of judgement and have basked in it. Have been surprised by it. Have been so grateful. Peace.
I was reminded just today that I used to go hiking a bit around here back when… Was telling hubby about my two favorite trails up and around the mountains and am now looking forward to revisiting them with hubby, toddler and baby girl. We have also decided to shop for bikes and a waggon to bike these long and empty roads together as a family. It is long past time for a healthy and out or doors hobby or two.
no really, peace now.
the fool again
i am having my third cup of coffee and it is just noon. Whatever, I will try not to go on and on about being tired, yep…that is the last that I say of that.
I saw an old friend yesterday and it was really great. She looked good and her family did too. It is funny how we grow up and as we experience similar things our understanding of others grows up as well. At least that is what one hopes is happening. I just remember being baffled by her need to watch baby story before each baby and then was even more baffled when years later I felt the strange need to do the damn same. Ha Ha. I also remember thinking that I knew something about raising kids but have since realised to my shame that babysitting and having your own kids is nothing like the same thing. What a fool I was. I hope I did not hurt anyone badly with my words and assumptions although I know that is much more likely than not.
and to add to the list of things that i thought i would never do-
dressing my baby girl in pink or calling her princess or marrying my best friend or marrying at all…
oh, and moving here.
