I’m Torn

I’m torn. The toddler is taking his second nap of the day and I should really try to take one too but I have the urge to try to sort out some things here, it has really been too long. There is a list too, a list that always exists and grows from day to day; a housewife’s to do list. I am tired. My eyes are heavy and starting to burn a bit. A nap would definitely not be a bad thing. There is after all a baby growing on the inside of me and so naps are always recommended these days, but I think that tomorrow I might be able to go sit for a while and use the internet and it might be a good thing to have some things sorted out in type beforehand rather than using up the precious little time given me sifting through the millions of raw thoughts then.  I suppose I will give this a try. If it is bunk then I will just give in and go take a nice little nap. 

History Has Been Made Since Last We Spoke

Well, a lot has happened since last I cam here. Goodness, we have seen history made. We have seen the course of our country change. It is amazing and beautiful and a little scary. What will come of us? I am not wholly sure though I have some ideas. It’s funny, even though I have been distanced from the fundamentalist line of thought on many things for a good long while I am still somewhat haunted by it at times. So whilst I ignored the many strange emails about the dangers of now president elect Obama, just after casting my vote for him I had a half second moment of panic. What if they were right? What is he is a radical Muslim in hiding seeking to destroy all things Christian in our country and thus in the world and worse, what If he is the anti Christ? It was only for a moment. Something from my past, something from my upbringing in the kinds of churches that crushed its parishioners with red faced pastors who mostly screamed and pointed fingers warning all of fire and destruction and missing the rapture because of dances and movies and random participation in the secular world in general.

Of course not every Christian I know was in a panic about Obama being evil (thank God) but many (people in general) believe that a republican is always better than a democrat.  For myself, I like McCain. I think that had he run a less mud slinging campaign and chosen someone other than Palan I would have voted for him. I think he sold out a bit letting some things get put out there that if not quite unsighted then encouraged fear and panic and those ugly emails and utube videos about Obama. There seemed to be a lot of ridiculous stuff let out into the air that would mislead and it felt a little bit like the party believes many of its voters are idiots. I am also under the impression that it is time for the pendulum to swing and thus pull us to the left again, the balance must be found. I am just not sure that four more years with the same party would be beneficial to anyone at all.  Democrats do a lot for the poor, everywhere but tend to see less of the individual than the whole and Republicans tend to think of themselves when it comes to money rather than the collective whole but do tend towards guarding personal freedoms which is vital in our society. Both sides can do great things especially when working together and I would have liked to see McCain have the chance to do some of that sort of “crossing of the isles” so to speak but se la vi, it is the Dems chance at greatness now. The other side (my side) will get their turn again. I like Obama. I have great hope for him. It is a tough job though and I would not want it, that is for sure, I will pray for him.   

On Another Note

I was listening to a song earlier and it brought to mind another time in my life.  It was a time when I was feeling weak, a time when I was living in a Christian community but questioning myself and my faith in God.  It made me realize that now I am less religious and lonely in that respect. I feel as though I do have a better head on my shoulders and understanding that I was missing then but I am less sensitive to God. I have become a little hard to the reality of Christ and His people as flawed as they, we are.  This is a place that I wish for balance too, like in my politics and friendships. I suppose that I have become acutely aware of the vacuum left in my life; where once there was the church tall and solid with white walls and steeple along with the pain and drama as well as the love and care that it’s people come with there is now just a void of space and the faintest memories of so many that were once called friends, even family.  I have lost touch with most of the great people from that time in my life and I miss them.  I think that Aside from jut being busy with life (and a lot has happened in the last few years) I think that I expected judgment from most and felt guilt for my swing. Am I that different? I guess I can never know until I enter the church again. I am re-reading Soul Survivor by P. Yancey again, I was eyeing it for some many days on the bookshelf, pondering what it had meant to me before and what help that it might be to me these days. I am hopeful.

An Ugly Building

I wrote here about a church building that I was driving past one day a while back. I thought it pretentious I think.  As it turned out it was the church that our friends attend and that we were meant to try out.  I am not sure why but I really resisted going there, even before I saw the building and even more so probably after, but after several other visits to other places and several vain attempts at my feeling better about a certain mega church we finally did go check out our friends church.  Turns out we like it and once inside the building it is quite nice, well thought out I think.  There are of course some things that both hubby and I would like to be different, like longer worship and free wifi but the sermons have been timely and the toddler loves the nursery. And we like that it is a nursery with glass walls and security precautions and back ground checks.  People are friendly but not overly so and despite my first impressions of the building there is not a feeling of pretensions from any side as yet. I am almost excited about making this our home and making friends and joining groups and giving back someday.  I say almost only because I am still gun shy but not so much so that I will resist the church any longer.  I am glad we tried other places and gladder still that I really wanted it to work at the mega church and felt not at all at home there as I am at least able to really appreciate this little oasis in this vast place. 

The Last Note of the Day

There is much going on with my health and the health of our new baby.  Part of me wants to write about these things here but there is something, surprise I know, that wants to keep these things to myself.  I will say a little now that may not make it to tomorrows posting but may be of some help to myself, to these emotions at present laying still and but threatening to fly out of control.  We were one in twenty and now we are one in one hundred and twenty, these are the chances that the baby could have Down syndrome. We have decided to leave off with the invasive tests that could give us more accurate numbers as they are invasive.  It would make no difference in the way we would precede.  We will have our baby and love he or she the same. But it is an awful worry that comes in merciless waves and leaves one a bit breathless in between moments of resolve and peace which allow one to breathe. We will have an ultra sound next week that may tell us something. I think we are focusing on taking one step at a time. I will avoid the talk of faith here, if only for the time being.  I have not sorted myself out as yet.   

Over this last month I have had headaches again and since this is the time of the pregnancy when you get headaches I was not too concerned. We talked to our doctor and he seemed fine too. Over this last week they have become bad and familiar. They are bad. There are a few options. Tell my Hematologist, my Ob Doc or my specialist.  I am afraid the first will make me get another MRI and hate that idea because we are still paying for the last one she made me get.  And I am afraid that the other two will not want to give me anything for the pain because they are less prescription happy than my last Doc and because I feel so damn guilty for even wanting anything for pain.  Hubby says I am strong but I see the seconds and hours of the day that I am weak and they add up until they threaten to break my back. I will press on. More than likely we will tell someone in the specialist’s office as we go there next. 

The Danger

This is the danger in saying nothing at all here for any good length of time.  I rant and rave and my thoughts to any reader seem broken and random and too long to read through completely I fear but that is how it is I suppose and there is nothing much to be said about it.  If I were to ask for prayers from those who pray I would ask for wisdom and health for me and baby and wisdom for hubby and his quest for happiness as well as for mine.I am asking friend, please. 
Peace and grease, until my next explosion. .