Sally’s Friend

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Archive for June, 2008

Why the shudder?

June 28, 2008 at 5:59 pm · Filed under God, Self esteem, church, my religion, random, rant, things that matter

I have a mellow mix of music on windows media player on Hubbie’s computer. It is a play list with many songs, so many, probably too many. Something like 8 hours. Okay not too many- not like most ipods- I thought that it was longer. Hmm, anyway I was looking for movie times for The Happening and the play list is playing on a random repeat and then a song came on that made me shudder. Literally I shuddered. It was weird. I should say more. The song was a worship song- Matt Redman I think. The windows are open. Anyone could have heard it (I can hear the preacher making fun of me already).

Someone that I don’t know may have heard the music- they may have seen me at the mail boxes or near the pool and may connect my face with this apartment and with these windows and they might think me to be one of those Christian people or church people. Oh no.

We, did I say we? I did. I did say we. We Christian people have a really bad reputation and I really do not want anyone to think badly of me (that is a separate issue). There is a lot to be said here about my perception of churchie people as well but… I can see some people getting steamed. Or feeling righteous or self righteous or offended and building arguments about how no one liked Jesus either but then I wonder if the reasons for dislike and even hate for Him then and us these days (most of us) were much different but that again is another issue and this is not about you steamies, k.
 
The only reason that I write about this at all is because I shuddered- a pretty strong physical reaction for a song I think. I was surprised that I shuddered. It took me aback. I had to ask myself why. And the only thing I could come up with was that I don’t want my neighbors to think badly of me. I don’t want them to clump me in with any particular groups or to think I am judging them or that I am a hypocrite. I believe these assumptions are quite common and this was a knee jerk reaction here. 

I know, I know- I care way too much about what others think. I also assume too much (another issue). That is why I don’t send anyone this link. That is why I love the anonymity of Internet blogging- or the seemingly anonymity of them. Because I need you to tell me that I am OK to be OK. That being right means way too much to be right (no pun intended).

I think that in the end that it all comes down to that need for someone outside of me to tell me I am enough, God, hubby, friend, family, anyone but me. I am not that believable, not that trustworthy and I have a tremendously difficult time believing anyone else. You and God. If I have time in the day to think about it -this is the talk I have to have with myself- this is the argument I have to have and win to be okay. Sometimes the truth wins but not every time and so I worry about what strangers that may or may not be passing by my windows think- blah. I guess that this was not a lot of separate issues at all.

I can hear someone telling someone else to be brave, telling someone that this is fear, an attack, perhaps the result of sin in my life, a weakness to be fasted away, a fault that can be built into something better, redeemed in time with a lot of crying and praying and laying on of hands and trying  but when I hear that sort of stuff it is filtered through a Baptist/AG church background and looks like lists of things to do to get myself free and better.
I suspect that it would take a talk everyday about what the truth is and words from a book that is alive and prayer but these not as a checklist but as a friendship, a relationship between Father and daughter and King and servant and the like.  And I fail to preach here on purpose feeling that old familiar feeling of superiority that made me doubt everything in the first place that stupid need to be right. Really I just wanted to discuss with the air and someone else the shudder. To sort it out some because it kind of freaked me out a bit. I sigh because this is not up to me and any list and that feels like a relief of the grandest kind. I sigh.

I can see now that this is more of a rant than previously thought so I add a category. bye bye 

 

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“seems like a universal complaint” Luke says

June 5, 2008 at 7:14 pm · Filed under everyday stuff, home, mom struggles, money, rant, things that matter, us

I had a thought when I was loading the dryer with our whites. I get peed on. I get shit on. I get spit up on.  I can’t remember the last time I wore a shirt all day that did not get a stain on it from something baby related -though I do tend to spill on myself when I eat.  Nevertheless, I look bad too long but the budget is tight so I wait to get clothes or hair care and I wait until jeans tear and stretch and I look really tired before I ask if I can have the money to care for myself (before I ask). It is generally the one who stays home and cares for the baby or kids that gets the shaft. And generally speaking it is usually the mom who does the staying home and it is the mom who gets shit on and peed on and gets really bad skin and hair and ends up wearing the dad’s t-shirts everyday for whatever reason and it is no wonder, in my mind, that women are thought to be less in many societies, we get the shit jobs- really.  Of course for our payment we have a huge amount of influence on our kids and sort of inadvertently rule the world in this way but still it sucks to have to go the mall in jeans that don’t fit and a bra that won’t hold anything up much anymore with pee stained shoes and bad skin and hair.  I must say that I am not bitter. I must sound it though I am not. I love being home with baby. I am so glad that I can stay home.  I will sort out enough money in the budget for my care one way or the other, in time. I know L works his ass off at a hard job for us. I won’t cheapen that here. I appreciate him. I love him. This is a realization that I am sure many other mothers’ have had. It is just all so new to me and I am surprised that no one has complained more.

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