Sally’s Friend
Just another WordPress.com weblogArchive for October, 2007
so much travel
over the past weeks Lucas and i have gone to Tyler with Luke
he worked and we hung out at the hotel
it was just nice to be together a few more hours
last weekend we drove to Houston for a quick visit with Luke’s grandma
returning quickly back
four hours turned to six when having to stop to feed baby and pick up a friend in a nearby town
the car is no fun for that amount of time
Two days ago we flew to NM
lots of visitors here at grandma’s place the first day
little or no sleep
burning eyes
and we are both fighting a cold
drove an hour an a half yesterday and back again
visit with the cousins then a game
visit with the auntie and uncle and more cousins
today there is a party all day at sisters house
baby sleeps just now
last night was a late night but quiet
have a list of things to do today
and the coffee makes me anxious
i tried to “sleep when baby does”
but my mind is racing
leave again soon
only to load a truck and travel a few more days
getting a little good at it
although it is thoroughly kicking my ass
love the time with family though
that is really what it is all about
the things that really matter
they stand out like deep colors against a white backdrop
as if to scream
this is real!
no not that blank slate of question and endless possibility
this is real! right here, right now, this!
the fall
Not yet able to fit into my regular jeans
But have found my old ugly sweater
This is my favorite time of year
The near coming of fall
When the sun is warm on the face
But the air is cool
I sit in an old familiar place
Concrete and trees
Leaves and stone
Dust and broken branches
And a little quite
A little time to be alone
I tried to smoke
Could not remember why I liked it before
It felt heavy
It made me feel tired
Burned my throat
Smelled very bad
I kept waiting for it to be pleasurable
But it never did become so
So I sat and let the paper burn
And made sure to clear a place for the hot ash to fall
So as not to start a fire in all the dead dry things around me
I took the little blue pill today
But so far it has not seemed to help
Not like the last few days
Maybe I am just too tired
I can still hear the music from earlier
Muse making me a bit blue
But today everything makes me feel as such
I walk slowly to the front door
Thinking to myself that I might just feel better if I write this down
I hear the baby crying
Before I can reach the door
I smile and turn the doorknob
and sigh
i am afraid that too much is changing…
I am fine now
but in the early morning hours
I am not so good
Now I have coffee
And the windows are open
There is a breeze and the news is on
The lights are dim
The house is mostly quiet
Someone hammers just outside one window and men and machines are working on the train tracks just outside the front door
The trees drop leaves
The dogs are not out yet
The day is new and it starts somewhat nicely
I am alone with my sleeping son beside me
And I am happy
But in the middle of the night
When he cries and refuses to eat
When he cries and does not burp
When he cries and there is nothing in his diaper
When dada needs to sleep and Lucas and I cannot…it is then that I am weepy and frustrated and lost
And Luke can say no right thing and do no right thing (although he does)
In the middle of the night
Every two hours for half an hour to an hour
I am not ok
My head bobs as sleep knocks me around
I am alone and lost and helpless to do any one thing right
God help me to be calm
Help me to be patient with my loving husband
Help me to relax
I am afraid that too much is changing
Help me to adjust and remind me to sleep a little in the daytime when Lucas sleeps
Amen
