I’ve lost my job to the selfish lay offs that they said would never come.
need prayers for new job(s) please,
many thanks, t

My Body is playing tricks on me
maybe it is this house
this sky
these trees
that Pepsi that I drank on an empty stomach
this smoke
these chemicals racing through my veins (cold meds)

I’m suddenly nervous
nervous about this smoke
this mountain
these rocks
this mountain behind me
this cocoon hanging from the branch
this dry air
the cool breeze
the sky
the clouds
the rumble of bikes moving past on the road below
the books with pages that go on forever
the price I’ll pay for this solitude
for this freedom that I apparently could not live without
the candle burning on the black stove
the mysterious body I crave
the lonely hours I save
the cat hanging on the screen
the empty pages I sense calling me
calling for honest confessions
St. Augustine’s words,
“You do not search out our sins mercilessly”
the words that fall out of me like water falling from hills somewhere in some silent place
river to its end
to fall
to flow again
if I can only hold on
I think
if I can only make it past this moment
this second
this hour
if I can only hold on and make it to another day

-If-

There was the stone room again
stones made into squares that lay on the earth and become our floor
there were the old wooden window frames and statues everywhere
Saints looking pensively down at us
the Priest said the prayers and the people repeated them back
it was a lifeless exchange
or so it seemed to me

but my oppinion is tainted
i am angry in that stone room
i am angry at the years lost
i am angry that i did not say goodbye
that i avoided the sick and sterile rooms
i am just angry

i thought about what i would have said
had they forced me to that podium
but it would have all ended up sounding so jaded
so angry
i am glad that they leave me in the hard wooden pew to cry all by myself

i would have said that she was beautiful
that she tried so hard
(and then i remember)
i would have added
that she did not try hard enough
just like the rest of us

i would have said
that her life was simple
and that we would miss her
that i miss her today, now, this very second

i would have said that she faught and lost
that she faught and won
like us
all of us
that she knew that she had to depend on God
that i hope that i can remember what she knew

thats what i would have said
i am glad not to have had to
but i do miss her
and i am angry
48 years is not enough
and that her life was so damn hard makes me angry too
God help me.

tina