Sally’s Friend

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Archive for December, 2004

back when I cared about people

December 26, 2004 at 6:09 pm · Filed under God, HK, my religion

I wish that I were one of those people that I so admire and dislike.

Slow to anger, ready to find the good in others and indelibly less prone to suspicion than I or most. I am, it seems, constantly finding fault, especially when I am attempting with fierce and naive ambition to not find fault. Give me a good meal, time to digest, a good nights sleep and a smooth schedule (one without drastic breakneck changes) and I may just be amiable, but let life come crashing after me minute by minute and day after blasted day and I am not so nice, not so patient. This bothers me a great deal.

Em, just a randon share.

Did I tell you about the other day? Going to Nathan road on a rented bus and sitting in the air con with a team, crossing bridges onto the Island and being forced to pray with them and listen for the voice of God…

Anyway, about the trip. We were on the bus and Godwin says that it is time for (his teams) intercession for the outreach and that I can pray with Him and Rachel because I hear God’s voice (that is how he said it and i thought it was funny, so matter a fact about something that I often doubt). So I am reluctant and even a little disturbed because lazy me was just in it for the free ride into the city to get my Christmas shopping done and maybe a nap on the drive.

Nevertheless, I pray with them and this is how it went. I got the word “Top” and I was reminded of the top-line, bottom-line blessing teaching that any good and very basic missions teaching entails. Top-line, God blesses us because bottom-line we are to bless others. Very simple, right?

And then as we crossed steel bridges and I peered out the window over the bay my mind wandered far away remembering the last time that I went to Mexico on a missions trip. We were on the street in pairs and I was with this kid Mike and much like this HK team did on this night we did a drama and then went out into the crowd to talk to the people about it. We were talking to this little girl and she let us know right away that she was not really interested in anything religious that we might want to share and so Mike wanted to leave her and I say “chill out” lets talk to her. So we talk about here family and school and her dreams and about whatever else she feels to share and after about 30 minutes of really nice and natural conversation it is time for the team to leave and I ask if I can pray for her. She says yes and I put my hand on her head and pray the priestly blessing and for her dreams and her family and afterwards we hug and we leave her there but a little bit of us is left there with her and a little bit of her will always be with us (or so I like to think).

Mike was amazed. He said he had never done anything like that before.

So I remembered all that just as I shared here and then the thought came, “that was back when I cared about people”.

Unfortunately, it is true.

 

I am so busy now in the ministry that I have missed zillions of hearts. Countless individuals have been passed by because I was so eagerly on my way to minister. God forgive me.

So I shared this with Godwin and Rachel and felt that God was reminding us to care for the people and just see them, love them. On that particular night in Hk, Rachel told me later that she got to talk to a girl and listen to her pains and afterwards pray for her, she said she kept thinking of what I had shared with her and Godwin and that she was eager to make the girl pray the sinners prayer but felt that if she had she would have missed it- missed the girls heart.I am dry lately. Hardly talk to God at all. Always too busy. But He talks to me and He is so kind about it that it pulls me back to long and silent embraces with Him. I love Him.

When we were growing up the thought that it was wrong and stupid to disagree with anyone and at the same time wrong and stupid to believe everything anyone said was hammered into us. (Unfortunately I never learned to think) This is as it seemed to me then and still now through my clouded memory and extensive and excruciating examination of the person that I am today. It hurts me to sit in silence and listen to bad teaching (or what i think is bad) and it hurts me still to open my mouth or mind and hope to find my way to the heart of what is being said. Both pains are severe but the latter brings me back to my childhood and so its pain is much more sharp and destructive.
 

I am afraid of it and I am ashamed.

Wish I could be better and I wish that I could be thought well of all the time but I am not and this frustrates me because I am so weak and needy. Grateful for this God who loves the poor and weak and needy ones like me. Hope that I can one day be just like Him and that today I can be like Him in any way.

Love and prayers,

t

 

 

 

 

Comments

ugly

December 20, 2004 at 10:24 pm · Filed under Health, Self esteem, random, rant

I keep thinking that I am going to grow very skinny and then suddenly confident 

Truth on the outside lasts a fraction (if even that) of the time that the “real” me lasts- it is the only thing that is really fleeting about me (and you); the body.

Why does my fat gut bother me so?

Why do I think that it is what others notice first about me?this fat face and these spreading hips? Do they see my eyes?

The fear in them? the truth in them?

this a constant battle,mind againt mind and world againt world 

fierce and opposing sides, one right and the other wrong butthey share the same body. 

I also keep thinking that enen if I do grow very thin and “feel”better about myself I am still very “fat and ugly” on the inside 

and of no use in this area for anybody else.

What will I do?

t

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constantly

December 15, 2004 at 5:25 pm · Filed under HK, rant

I have lost the ability to discern time

when I thought that it was evening it was early afternoon

the evenings seem to be still

timeless

motionless

early

lasting

late but not yet late

and then shockingly suddenly very late

I am working more in these past days than in a long time

constantly thinking about food

constantly reevaluating the tastes and appetites of the 50 some people here

continualy making shopping lists

constantly thinking

constantly

-t

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peace and grease

December 5, 2004 at 5:19 pm · Filed under God, muse, random

talked to a friend last night-

found that i was hurting more than i thought that i was-

cried on his shoulder- so to speak

but he might not have heard me.

getting all freaky about my size and skin and hair-

rejection will do that to you

my daily reading was something like-

more suffering will come- no sence looking out for respite-

but in the end you’ll have learned so much-

so come close and be here beneath this holy shadow-

sounds a bit sadistic but in my heart i know that it ise’nt

looking forward to a house full of family

simply because if need be I have a hiding place

complete with dim room and tiny coffee pot

no cumfy place to sit though

but, better than a freezing closet where I can not escape the sounds.

taking pictures today,

waiting now for the battery to charge.

gonna be what i long to be-
creative and alone.

peace and grease

(raymond always said that, lol)

me

t

ps

all the peeps come this week. then we get busy for a three-ish weeks

good stuff as long as we all mean it

and they mean it too

God, please let us all really mean it.

 

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